Sunday, March 7, 2010
Monday, January 28, 2008
Forgiving...
Forgiveness…
A co-worker takes credit for your idea. Your husband forgets your birthday. A trusted friend spills your secret, and now everyone knows.
Whether it’s a slight transgression or an all-out royal fuck up, coping with an offense on any level can put even the most generous spirit to the test. When you’ve been hurt the last thing you want to do is forgive. But forgiveness isn’t about making life easier for people who hurt you, or letting offenders off the hook. It’s about replacing pain with peace. A grudge can sap your energy and joy more than you realize. It can affect both your physical and mental health in countless ways…believe me, I know.
The challenge is not only to learn how to forgive in the short term, but to make forgiving a way of life. Nobody is perfect after all…so prepare to forgive—a lot.
These tips can help you let go of old hurts and bring a sense of calm and freedom. Learn to shake it off and set yourself free. Remember this is about you, so even if you can never actually tell that person you forgive them – these tips will definitely help you.
1. ADMIT IT HURTS. No one stands to gain from pretending a hurtful incident did not happen. Rather than repress emotions, let them just be for a while – even if it’s uncomfortable. Acknowledge your anger before letting things go. You can forgive but not trust a person completely until you have evidence that they have changed.
2. WRITE IT DOWN. You have no idea how mighty the pen is. Write down what happened, what was lost (trust, friendship,) and how you feel as a result. I know it sounds gay – but it works. Even if you write and then shred the paper, it helps. Rather than dwell on negative emotions or get caught up in a downward spiral of anger and blame, write how you can grow from this harm you’ve suffered. Writing it down like a story places the offense in the context of your life and helps you make peace. Put it down on paper then chunk it and make it part of your past.
3. FORGIVE WITHOUT STRINGS. True forgiveness isn’t earned, it is given freely. An apology helps a great deal but it is not necessary for healing to take place. We can’t always count on our offenders to apologize and waiting for them to only causes more distress. If we refuse to forgive until we get an apology, then we give that person more control over our pain!!! Forgive on your own and don’t give the very person who betrayed us any more power over us.
4. START SMALL. Forgiving unconditionally comes with practice, so rather than starting with something big like an abusive parent or a partner who cheated on you, begin with something small. When someone cuts you off on the freeway next time, instead of allowing yourself to fume (can you say Road Rage), let it go and wish that person well. This is an opportunity to practice forgiving freely.
5. SEE THE BEST. Forgiveness arises from an optimistic approach to the world and the people around you, regardless of their actions. It is a choice you make each and every day to see thing differently and react in a way that assumes the best of intentions instead of the worst. Forgiveness is about changing your mind. It is a positive response to the bad things that will inevitably happen to us. Think of how easy it is to forgive children. Their innocence helps us dismiss their actions as benign. Start searching for that innocence in even your worst offenders. The hurt that they caused us is proof that they need compassion, just as we do. There is no telling how many people I have hurt without even knowing about it, so I’m just showing the compassion that I need.
6. LOOK BEYOND… Next time you’re hurt by a careless remark or gesture, shift your attention to the person behind it, rather than focus on the act itself. Maybe that person is an incredibly hard-working, loving mother who’s coping with a separate issue you know nothing about. You don’t always know what’s going on beneath the surface of others’ behavior.
7. FINALLY, FORGIVE YOURSELF. All this forgiveness means shit if you leave out the one person in your life who rarely gets a break: you. If you can’t see past your mistakes enough to love and accept who you are, you won’t be able to do so with others. If holding a grudge is bad for your health, then being both the victim and the offender is a double whammy.
A co-worker takes credit for your idea. Your husband forgets your birthday. A trusted friend spills your secret, and now everyone knows.
Whether it’s a slight transgression or an all-out royal fuck up, coping with an offense on any level can put even the most generous spirit to the test. When you’ve been hurt the last thing you want to do is forgive. But forgiveness isn’t about making life easier for people who hurt you, or letting offenders off the hook. It’s about replacing pain with peace. A grudge can sap your energy and joy more than you realize. It can affect both your physical and mental health in countless ways…believe me, I know.
The challenge is not only to learn how to forgive in the short term, but to make forgiving a way of life. Nobody is perfect after all…so prepare to forgive—a lot.
These tips can help you let go of old hurts and bring a sense of calm and freedom. Learn to shake it off and set yourself free. Remember this is about you, so even if you can never actually tell that person you forgive them – these tips will definitely help you.
1. ADMIT IT HURTS. No one stands to gain from pretending a hurtful incident did not happen. Rather than repress emotions, let them just be for a while – even if it’s uncomfortable. Acknowledge your anger before letting things go. You can forgive but not trust a person completely until you have evidence that they have changed.
2. WRITE IT DOWN. You have no idea how mighty the pen is. Write down what happened, what was lost (trust, friendship,) and how you feel as a result. I know it sounds gay – but it works. Even if you write and then shred the paper, it helps. Rather than dwell on negative emotions or get caught up in a downward spiral of anger and blame, write how you can grow from this harm you’ve suffered. Writing it down like a story places the offense in the context of your life and helps you make peace. Put it down on paper then chunk it and make it part of your past.
3. FORGIVE WITHOUT STRINGS. True forgiveness isn’t earned, it is given freely. An apology helps a great deal but it is not necessary for healing to take place. We can’t always count on our offenders to apologize and waiting for them to only causes more distress. If we refuse to forgive until we get an apology, then we give that person more control over our pain!!! Forgive on your own and don’t give the very person who betrayed us any more power over us.
4. START SMALL. Forgiving unconditionally comes with practice, so rather than starting with something big like an abusive parent or a partner who cheated on you, begin with something small. When someone cuts you off on the freeway next time, instead of allowing yourself to fume (can you say Road Rage), let it go and wish that person well. This is an opportunity to practice forgiving freely.
5. SEE THE BEST. Forgiveness arises from an optimistic approach to the world and the people around you, regardless of their actions. It is a choice you make each and every day to see thing differently and react in a way that assumes the best of intentions instead of the worst. Forgiveness is about changing your mind. It is a positive response to the bad things that will inevitably happen to us. Think of how easy it is to forgive children. Their innocence helps us dismiss their actions as benign. Start searching for that innocence in even your worst offenders. The hurt that they caused us is proof that they need compassion, just as we do. There is no telling how many people I have hurt without even knowing about it, so I’m just showing the compassion that I need.
6. LOOK BEYOND… Next time you’re hurt by a careless remark or gesture, shift your attention to the person behind it, rather than focus on the act itself. Maybe that person is an incredibly hard-working, loving mother who’s coping with a separate issue you know nothing about. You don’t always know what’s going on beneath the surface of others’ behavior.
7. FINALLY, FORGIVE YOURSELF. All this forgiveness means shit if you leave out the one person in your life who rarely gets a break: you. If you can’t see past your mistakes enough to love and accept who you are, you won’t be able to do so with others. If holding a grudge is bad for your health, then being both the victim and the offender is a double whammy.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
In close relationships, there are fights and there are FIGHTS.
Some spring from issues that matter like how to spend or save money, how to raise the kids, how to honor religious beliefs. But this isn't what couples fight about most of the time. Instead, we argue over dumb shit like how to load the dishwasher, leaving the toilet seat up, how you drive, how you eat, what you like to eat, losing the keys, etc. I could go on and on and on.
While the offenses may seem minor enough, these arguments can escalate and cause great stress, contributing to wear-and-tear on a relationship. If they are left unaddressed, even small things can morph into big power issues over time, making a trivial annoyance, like dirty socks on the floor, seem like a slap in the face. Since these fights spring up spontaneously, they tend to prompt crazy, stupid reactions that only make matters worse.
Stop reacting and start responding with compassion!! What the eff???!! Believe me this lightens up silly squabbles and helps strengthen your bond. Giving your attention first, instead of demanding it, has magical curative properties.
The following strategies for three common arguments will help calm the heat.
FIGHT-- An innocent mistake causes your partner to become crazy mad. "What the fuck!! You forgot the soap???!!! How could you??"
SOLUTION -- See his/her side.
Usually instead of trying to figure out what exactly is the big deal, we become angry too -- which only escalates the battle. Relax your defenses. Take the focus off of yourself. This spastic reaction is not about you. Maybe he/she feels that forgetting the soap proves you don't appreciate them. Broaden your perspective beyond your own feelings. It's called compassion.
FIGHT -- Your "snuggle bear" has become Mr. Cold Shoulder and seems not the least bit responsive, ignoring you.
SOLUTION -- Step back.
When we feel someone has withdrawn from us emotionally, it's natural to worry, but nagging or prodding him for reassurance that he loves you only makes thing worse. Instead, try to get away for a while. Ignore the fact that you are being ignored. Take a walk, go shopping (fun!), or visit a friend. Don't meet his/her chilly front by storming out; simply separate yourself from the situation, giving him some space and time alone. If you can find a way to meet his/her bad mood with a peaceful mind and warm heart, whatever's really going on will become clear, or will pass over.
FIGHT -- You've argued the same point a thousand times before. He's lost his keys, she's made plans without checking with you first, etc.
SOLUTION -- Give up trying to win.
We all have our weaknesses and pet peeves, but they're rarely resolved when someone one-ups the other. Late sleepers never turn into early birds.
Slow drivers don't speed up. Key losers don't become key-keepers. So SHUT THE FUCK UP!! If you love your partner, love all the things. I don't mean ALL, just the fights that keep coming up. Adjust your expectations. If you expect each time that your partner will be on time or never lose his keys, you're likely to be disappointed, over and over. When you relax those expectations, you can control your emotions.
Believe me, what you give is what you get. When we forgive and show compassion and understanding, you will get the same treatment.
Some spring from issues that matter like how to spend or save money, how to raise the kids, how to honor religious beliefs. But this isn't what couples fight about most of the time. Instead, we argue over dumb shit like how to load the dishwasher, leaving the toilet seat up, how you drive, how you eat, what you like to eat, losing the keys, etc. I could go on and on and on.
While the offenses may seem minor enough, these arguments can escalate and cause great stress, contributing to wear-and-tear on a relationship. If they are left unaddressed, even small things can morph into big power issues over time, making a trivial annoyance, like dirty socks on the floor, seem like a slap in the face. Since these fights spring up spontaneously, they tend to prompt crazy, stupid reactions that only make matters worse.
Stop reacting and start responding with compassion!! What the eff???!! Believe me this lightens up silly squabbles and helps strengthen your bond. Giving your attention first, instead of demanding it, has magical curative properties.
The following strategies for three common arguments will help calm the heat.
FIGHT-- An innocent mistake causes your partner to become crazy mad. "What the fuck!! You forgot the soap???!!! How could you??"
SOLUTION -- See his/her side.
Usually instead of trying to figure out what exactly is the big deal, we become angry too -- which only escalates the battle. Relax your defenses. Take the focus off of yourself. This spastic reaction is not about you. Maybe he/she feels that forgetting the soap proves you don't appreciate them. Broaden your perspective beyond your own feelings. It's called compassion.
FIGHT -- Your "snuggle bear" has become Mr. Cold Shoulder and seems not the least bit responsive, ignoring you.
SOLUTION -- Step back.
When we feel someone has withdrawn from us emotionally, it's natural to worry, but nagging or prodding him for reassurance that he loves you only makes thing worse. Instead, try to get away for a while. Ignore the fact that you are being ignored. Take a walk, go shopping (fun!), or visit a friend. Don't meet his/her chilly front by storming out; simply separate yourself from the situation, giving him some space and time alone. If you can find a way to meet his/her bad mood with a peaceful mind and warm heart, whatever's really going on will become clear, or will pass over.
FIGHT -- You've argued the same point a thousand times before. He's lost his keys, she's made plans without checking with you first, etc.
SOLUTION -- Give up trying to win.
We all have our weaknesses and pet peeves, but they're rarely resolved when someone one-ups the other. Late sleepers never turn into early birds.
Slow drivers don't speed up. Key losers don't become key-keepers. So SHUT THE FUCK UP!! If you love your partner, love all the things. I don't mean ALL, just the fights that keep coming up. Adjust your expectations. If you expect each time that your partner will be on time or never lose his keys, you're likely to be disappointed, over and over. When you relax those expectations, you can control your emotions.
Believe me, what you give is what you get. When we forgive and show compassion and understanding, you will get the same treatment.
Friday, December 28, 2007
We ask God to give us good things, to bless us, to make us happy. But we never think about other people. Do we realize that everyone wants those things? Everyone wants to be happy, everyone wants to be healthy, everyone wants the best for their children. So how does God do it?? Maybe, just maybe, God has to disappoint us once in a while to grant someone else their wishes. Really, all of us have been happy. We have all had good memories. And our lives have not been that bad. Someone else always has it worse than us. Always. What if to make everyone happy, our lives need sadness and bad things to happen. So next time something happens that is bad or maybe not what you wanted – just think that someone received a blessing because of it.
Maybe happiness is like energy. You know, in school they taught us that energy cannot be created. It is transferred. Maybe that is what happens with happiness. You cannot create it, you have to transfer or pass it on. Take it away from someone and give it to someone else. Do we mind sharing our happiness?? Interesting thought. Makes us think of life different.
When my ex-husband left me, I always thought Why? But then I thought that maybe he will be a blessing to someone else. Well, I know it was true. He became a father figure to a 9 year old girl. He was her blessing. I had to suffer but she gained a father! And you know what?? That is just OK with me. Now I am very happy with my current love. God made me suffer for a while, but He repaid me.
Maybe happiness is like energy. You know, in school they taught us that energy cannot be created. It is transferred. Maybe that is what happens with happiness. You cannot create it, you have to transfer or pass it on. Take it away from someone and give it to someone else. Do we mind sharing our happiness?? Interesting thought. Makes us think of life different.
When my ex-husband left me, I always thought Why? But then I thought that maybe he will be a blessing to someone else. Well, I know it was true. He became a father figure to a 9 year old girl. He was her blessing. I had to suffer but she gained a father! And you know what?? That is just OK with me. Now I am very happy with my current love. God made me suffer for a while, but He repaid me.
Friday, December 21, 2007
Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas. I love this holiday. I'm a mommy, so I really enjoy making this holiday fun and special for my daughter. I didn't have Christmas when I was a kid. My parents did not believe in Christmas or any other holiday for that matter. They were Jehova's Witnesses. So we missed school on holidays to skip the parties. I remember I would look out the window on Halloween and watch all the kids walk to school with their costumes on and I would be sad. I wanted to be a part of that so bad. On Valentines all the other kids got cards, but I did not. On Christmas, of course, we never got presents. Birthdays were the same, never did we get a party or presents. It was not so bad. And now that I look back I suppose my parents probably did not have the money for all the celebrations. They had four kids. Wow. Anyway, now on holidays I go crazy. I decorate, I buy presents, I go over the top. Maybe because I was so deprived of all that stuff when I was growing up. Who knows?? I know that I don't want my kids to feel that way. Like they missed out on something. It's about memories and creating wonderful memories so that your kids will remember the good times with their family. Who cares if Jesus was not born on Christmas ! If Christmas makes some people even think a little about Jesus, then it is good right? It is about being with your family.
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