In close relationships, there are fights and there are FIGHTS.
Some spring from issues that matter like how to spend or save money, how to raise the kids, how to honor religious beliefs. But this isn't what couples fight about most of the time. Instead, we argue over dumb shit like how to load the dishwasher, leaving the toilet seat up, how you drive, how you eat, what you like to eat, losing the keys, etc. I could go on and on and on.
While the offenses may seem minor enough, these arguments can escalate and cause great stress, contributing to wear-and-tear on a relationship. If they are left unaddressed, even small things can morph into big power issues over time, making a trivial annoyance, like dirty socks on the floor, seem like a slap in the face. Since these fights spring up spontaneously, they tend to prompt crazy, stupid reactions that only make matters worse.
Stop reacting and start responding with compassion!! What the eff???!! Believe me this lightens up silly squabbles and helps strengthen your bond. Giving your attention first, instead of demanding it, has magical curative properties.
The following strategies for three common arguments will help calm the heat.
FIGHT-- An innocent mistake causes your partner to become crazy mad. "What the fuck!! You forgot the soap???!!! How could you??"
SOLUTION -- See his/her side.
Usually instead of trying to figure out what exactly is the big deal, we become angry too -- which only escalates the battle. Relax your defenses. Take the focus off of yourself. This spastic reaction is not about you. Maybe he/she feels that forgetting the soap proves you don't appreciate them. Broaden your perspective beyond your own feelings. It's called compassion.
FIGHT -- Your "snuggle bear" has become Mr. Cold Shoulder and seems not the least bit responsive, ignoring you.
SOLUTION -- Step back.
When we feel someone has withdrawn from us emotionally, it's natural to worry, but nagging or prodding him for reassurance that he loves you only makes thing worse. Instead, try to get away for a while. Ignore the fact that you are being ignored. Take a walk, go shopping (fun!), or visit a friend. Don't meet his/her chilly front by storming out; simply separate yourself from the situation, giving him some space and time alone. If you can find a way to meet his/her bad mood with a peaceful mind and warm heart, whatever's really going on will become clear, or will pass over.
FIGHT -- You've argued the same point a thousand times before. He's lost his keys, she's made plans without checking with you first, etc.
SOLUTION -- Give up trying to win.
We all have our weaknesses and pet peeves, but they're rarely resolved when someone one-ups the other. Late sleepers never turn into early birds.
Slow drivers don't speed up. Key losers don't become key-keepers. So SHUT THE FUCK UP!! If you love your partner, love all the things. I don't mean ALL, just the fights that keep coming up. Adjust your expectations. If you expect each time that your partner will be on time or never lose his keys, you're likely to be disappointed, over and over. When you relax those expectations, you can control your emotions.
Believe me, what you give is what you get. When we forgive and show compassion and understanding, you will get the same treatment.
Some spring from issues that matter like how to spend or save money, how to raise the kids, how to honor religious beliefs. But this isn't what couples fight about most of the time. Instead, we argue over dumb shit like how to load the dishwasher, leaving the toilet seat up, how you drive, how you eat, what you like to eat, losing the keys, etc. I could go on and on and on.
While the offenses may seem minor enough, these arguments can escalate and cause great stress, contributing to wear-and-tear on a relationship. If they are left unaddressed, even small things can morph into big power issues over time, making a trivial annoyance, like dirty socks on the floor, seem like a slap in the face. Since these fights spring up spontaneously, they tend to prompt crazy, stupid reactions that only make matters worse.
Stop reacting and start responding with compassion!! What the eff???!! Believe me this lightens up silly squabbles and helps strengthen your bond. Giving your attention first, instead of demanding it, has magical curative properties.
The following strategies for three common arguments will help calm the heat.
FIGHT-- An innocent mistake causes your partner to become crazy mad. "What the fuck!! You forgot the soap???!!! How could you??"
SOLUTION -- See his/her side.
Usually instead of trying to figure out what exactly is the big deal, we become angry too -- which only escalates the battle. Relax your defenses. Take the focus off of yourself. This spastic reaction is not about you. Maybe he/she feels that forgetting the soap proves you don't appreciate them. Broaden your perspective beyond your own feelings. It's called compassion.
FIGHT -- Your "snuggle bear" has become Mr. Cold Shoulder and seems not the least bit responsive, ignoring you.
SOLUTION -- Step back.
When we feel someone has withdrawn from us emotionally, it's natural to worry, but nagging or prodding him for reassurance that he loves you only makes thing worse. Instead, try to get away for a while. Ignore the fact that you are being ignored. Take a walk, go shopping (fun!), or visit a friend. Don't meet his/her chilly front by storming out; simply separate yourself from the situation, giving him some space and time alone. If you can find a way to meet his/her bad mood with a peaceful mind and warm heart, whatever's really going on will become clear, or will pass over.
FIGHT -- You've argued the same point a thousand times before. He's lost his keys, she's made plans without checking with you first, etc.
SOLUTION -- Give up trying to win.
We all have our weaknesses and pet peeves, but they're rarely resolved when someone one-ups the other. Late sleepers never turn into early birds.
Slow drivers don't speed up. Key losers don't become key-keepers. So SHUT THE FUCK UP!! If you love your partner, love all the things. I don't mean ALL, just the fights that keep coming up. Adjust your expectations. If you expect each time that your partner will be on time or never lose his keys, you're likely to be disappointed, over and over. When you relax those expectations, you can control your emotions.
Believe me, what you give is what you get. When we forgive and show compassion and understanding, you will get the same treatment.
No comments:
Post a Comment