Forgiveness…
A co-worker takes credit for your idea. Your husband forgets your birthday. A trusted friend spills your secret, and now everyone knows.
Whether it’s a slight transgression or an all-out royal fuck up, coping with an offense on any level can put even the most generous spirit to the test. When you’ve been hurt the last thing you want to do is forgive. But forgiveness isn’t about making life easier for people who hurt you, or letting offenders off the hook. It’s about replacing pain with peace. A grudge can sap your energy and joy more than you realize. It can affect both your physical and mental health in countless ways…believe me, I know.
The challenge is not only to learn how to forgive in the short term, but to make forgiving a way of life. Nobody is perfect after all…so prepare to forgive—a lot.
These tips can help you let go of old hurts and bring a sense of calm and freedom. Learn to shake it off and set yourself free. Remember this is about you, so even if you can never actually tell that person you forgive them – these tips will definitely help you.
1. ADMIT IT HURTS. No one stands to gain from pretending a hurtful incident did not happen. Rather than repress emotions, let them just be for a while – even if it’s uncomfortable. Acknowledge your anger before letting things go. You can forgive but not trust a person completely until you have evidence that they have changed.
2. WRITE IT DOWN. You have no idea how mighty the pen is. Write down what happened, what was lost (trust, friendship,) and how you feel as a result. I know it sounds gay – but it works. Even if you write and then shred the paper, it helps. Rather than dwell on negative emotions or get caught up in a downward spiral of anger and blame, write how you can grow from this harm you’ve suffered. Writing it down like a story places the offense in the context of your life and helps you make peace. Put it down on paper then chunk it and make it part of your past.
3. FORGIVE WITHOUT STRINGS. True forgiveness isn’t earned, it is given freely. An apology helps a great deal but it is not necessary for healing to take place. We can’t always count on our offenders to apologize and waiting for them to only causes more distress. If we refuse to forgive until we get an apology, then we give that person more control over our pain!!! Forgive on your own and don’t give the very person who betrayed us any more power over us.
4. START SMALL. Forgiving unconditionally comes with practice, so rather than starting with something big like an abusive parent or a partner who cheated on you, begin with something small. When someone cuts you off on the freeway next time, instead of allowing yourself to fume (can you say Road Rage), let it go and wish that person well. This is an opportunity to practice forgiving freely.
5. SEE THE BEST. Forgiveness arises from an optimistic approach to the world and the people around you, regardless of their actions. It is a choice you make each and every day to see thing differently and react in a way that assumes the best of intentions instead of the worst. Forgiveness is about changing your mind. It is a positive response to the bad things that will inevitably happen to us. Think of how easy it is to forgive children. Their innocence helps us dismiss their actions as benign. Start searching for that innocence in even your worst offenders. The hurt that they caused us is proof that they need compassion, just as we do. There is no telling how many people I have hurt without even knowing about it, so I’m just showing the compassion that I need.
6. LOOK BEYOND… Next time you’re hurt by a careless remark or gesture, shift your attention to the person behind it, rather than focus on the act itself. Maybe that person is an incredibly hard-working, loving mother who’s coping with a separate issue you know nothing about. You don’t always know what’s going on beneath the surface of others’ behavior.
7. FINALLY, FORGIVE YOURSELF. All this forgiveness means shit if you leave out the one person in your life who rarely gets a break: you. If you can’t see past your mistakes enough to love and accept who you are, you won’t be able to do so with others. If holding a grudge is bad for your health, then being both the victim and the offender is a double whammy.
A co-worker takes credit for your idea. Your husband forgets your birthday. A trusted friend spills your secret, and now everyone knows.
Whether it’s a slight transgression or an all-out royal fuck up, coping with an offense on any level can put even the most generous spirit to the test. When you’ve been hurt the last thing you want to do is forgive. But forgiveness isn’t about making life easier for people who hurt you, or letting offenders off the hook. It’s about replacing pain with peace. A grudge can sap your energy and joy more than you realize. It can affect both your physical and mental health in countless ways…believe me, I know.
The challenge is not only to learn how to forgive in the short term, but to make forgiving a way of life. Nobody is perfect after all…so prepare to forgive—a lot.
These tips can help you let go of old hurts and bring a sense of calm and freedom. Learn to shake it off and set yourself free. Remember this is about you, so even if you can never actually tell that person you forgive them – these tips will definitely help you.
1. ADMIT IT HURTS. No one stands to gain from pretending a hurtful incident did not happen. Rather than repress emotions, let them just be for a while – even if it’s uncomfortable. Acknowledge your anger before letting things go. You can forgive but not trust a person completely until you have evidence that they have changed.
2. WRITE IT DOWN. You have no idea how mighty the pen is. Write down what happened, what was lost (trust, friendship,) and how you feel as a result. I know it sounds gay – but it works. Even if you write and then shred the paper, it helps. Rather than dwell on negative emotions or get caught up in a downward spiral of anger and blame, write how you can grow from this harm you’ve suffered. Writing it down like a story places the offense in the context of your life and helps you make peace. Put it down on paper then chunk it and make it part of your past.
3. FORGIVE WITHOUT STRINGS. True forgiveness isn’t earned, it is given freely. An apology helps a great deal but it is not necessary for healing to take place. We can’t always count on our offenders to apologize and waiting for them to only causes more distress. If we refuse to forgive until we get an apology, then we give that person more control over our pain!!! Forgive on your own and don’t give the very person who betrayed us any more power over us.
4. START SMALL. Forgiving unconditionally comes with practice, so rather than starting with something big like an abusive parent or a partner who cheated on you, begin with something small. When someone cuts you off on the freeway next time, instead of allowing yourself to fume (can you say Road Rage), let it go and wish that person well. This is an opportunity to practice forgiving freely.
5. SEE THE BEST. Forgiveness arises from an optimistic approach to the world and the people around you, regardless of their actions. It is a choice you make each and every day to see thing differently and react in a way that assumes the best of intentions instead of the worst. Forgiveness is about changing your mind. It is a positive response to the bad things that will inevitably happen to us. Think of how easy it is to forgive children. Their innocence helps us dismiss their actions as benign. Start searching for that innocence in even your worst offenders. The hurt that they caused us is proof that they need compassion, just as we do. There is no telling how many people I have hurt without even knowing about it, so I’m just showing the compassion that I need.
6. LOOK BEYOND… Next time you’re hurt by a careless remark or gesture, shift your attention to the person behind it, rather than focus on the act itself. Maybe that person is an incredibly hard-working, loving mother who’s coping with a separate issue you know nothing about. You don’t always know what’s going on beneath the surface of others’ behavior.
7. FINALLY, FORGIVE YOURSELF. All this forgiveness means shit if you leave out the one person in your life who rarely gets a break: you. If you can’t see past your mistakes enough to love and accept who you are, you won’t be able to do so with others. If holding a grudge is bad for your health, then being both the victim and the offender is a double whammy.
